Sometimes people will tell you that it's hard to get a book published, that it takes effort and years of learning technique and craft to write a good and publishable book - and then more time to research the business of publishing. They might suggest reading agent blogs. They might suggest query letter workshops, or attending conferences and listening to agent panels.

They might even suggest that there IS no big secret, no surefire success strategy other than hard work, persistence, and talent. That no amount of quirky presentation or brilliant marketing schemes could make up for a weak book.

Don't listen to those people. They're trying to keep you down!

Razzle-dazzle 'em, as the inestimable Billy Flynn says, and they'll make you a star. And you can trust Billy Flynn. He's a lawyer!

You can also trust me, dear readers. I'm a debut author, and so I know everything there is to know about publishing. And I can exclusively reveal to you the following PERFECT, NO-LOSE submission, as composed via Twitter by author and YA expert Lili Wilkinson, Random House editor Zoe Walton, Allen and Unwin editor Susannah Chambers, author Penni Russon, and myself.



Zoe: "Here's my 300,000-word fantasy manuscript, the first in a 6-book series."

Lili: "With this cover art I drew myself..."

Susannah: The package would also include a squashed mini chocolate bar, or packet of instant coffee

Me: Or glitter?

Susannah: Ooo yes glitter and money - probably US$5 'to cover postage'.

Lili: And a $20 dollar note stapled to the top corner?

Zoe: "It's Harry Potter crossed with The Da Vinci Code meets Twilight."

Me: "My children think it's amazing!"

Penni: "And by the way, here is a photo of my children."

Lili: "...who are the main characters of said fantasy novel. Plus our dog."

Me: "Our dog's name is Sparkles."

Susannah: "I also have a series of picture books about Sparkles, which my kids have illustrated."

Me: "So you can see there is a lot of merchandising potential!"

Penni: "In fact I have crocheted a Mimp, which is half imp and half minotaur, enclosed."

Zoe: "And I have a strong platform for publicity as my cousin works for the local newspaper."

Penni: "Copyrighted. Please don't COPY my ideas." And of course whole MS is in comic sans.

Lili: On bright green paper. And it's the only copy, so please send it back.

Susannah: Wait! It comes with a Mimp? Why didn't you say so? I will publish it IMMEDIATELY!

Did you hear that, y'all? The one big secret that will get your masterwork off the slush pile and into the sweaty hands of an editor, from the mouth of that sweaty-handed editor herself?

CROCHET.

Oh, there's no need for these tears of gratitude. Really, I'm happy to help.