More in the series of Great Stuff I have read lately!

Faro's Daughter, Georgette Heyer.

Fair warning that I am about to just spoil the shit out of this book, but it's been out forever, so I don't think it counts. PS) Hamlet dies, Peter marries Harriet, and Snape kills Dumbledore.

Okay, where were we? Oh, yes: introducing the hero.

HERO: Hello, I'm Mr. Ravenscar.
ME: *laughs for twenty minutes*
HERO: RAVENSCAR IS A PERFECTLY APPROPRIATE NAME IN REGENCY TIMES. Ahem. Anyway, my puppy of a cousin is apparently enamoured of a young lady who helps her aunt run a gaming house and he may actually attempt to marry her! Of course such a marriage would scandalise Society and ruin him forever.

HEROINE: *is gay and charming and has no intention of trying to marry the puppy*
HERO: She seems so noble! Oh well, I had better accuse her of being a golddigger anyway and attempt to pay her off.
HEROINE: He seemed so noble! And yet he insinuates I am a whore! I had better pretend that I want to marry the puppy and won't accept ANY PRICE. That'll show him!
HERO: TWENTY THOUSAND POUNDS.
HEROINE: BITE ME.

HEROINE'S AUNT: We could really use that cash to pay for all our debts.
HEROINE: No!
HEROINE'S AUNT: Or you could at least marry the puppy!
HEROINE: Oh, aunt, you are joking! How dear and funny you are!
HEROINE'S AUNT: Ahahahahaha yes. By the way, the hero has bought all our debts and probably intends to pressure you into swearing off the puppy or he'll sell the house out from under us.
HEROINE: The CAD!

HEROINE'S CRIMINAL FRIEND: So you want me to kidnap him.
HEROINE: Yes.
HCF: Okay!
HEROINE: But don't trick him into coming somewhere alone by saying I want to talk to him! That would be dishonourable.

*HCF tricks HERO into coming somewhere alone by saying HEROINE wants to talk to him.*

HERO: Ow. Oh, great, I'm in a cellar. Tied to a chair.
ME: !!!
HERO: BONDAGE IS PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE IN REGENCY TIMES. Ah, Heroine. I shall never submit to you!
HEROINE: Oh, your poor head! I'm so sorry they tricked you! How dishonourable!
HERO: ... huh.
HEROINE: Anyway, sign those debts over to us right now or I'll leave you in this cellar.
HERO: Never, whore!
HEROINE: Then rot, assface!

HEROINE'S BROTHER: The richest man in town is locked in our cellar? GIVE ME THAT KEY.
HEROINE: You don't understand! He called me a whore!
HEROINE'S BROTHER: Terribly sorry about this, sir, I'll have you out of here in a jiffy...
HERO: Didn't your sister say I called her a whore?
HEROINE'S BROTHER: Oh, you know women. They say all sorts of things!
HERO: I did call her a whore. Don't you want to fight me for that insult?
HEROINE'S BROTHER: I'm sure you were provoked!
HERO: LOCK THAT DOOR IMMEDIATELY AND RETURN THE KEY TO YOUR SISTER WITH MY COMPLIMENTS, YOU PATHETIC EXCUSE FOR A MAN.
HEROINE'S BROTHER: ...I'm not quite sure what just happened there.


*After many awesome misunderstandings that could totally be averted by a sensible conversation between sane people, plus a daring escape, a rescue, a horse race, an elopement, and a fistfight, HERO and HEROINE are UNITED AT LAST*


HEROINE: Wait, won't people care that I used to run a gaming house?
HERO: MARRYING WOMEN OF LOW REPUTE IS PERFECTLY ALLOWABLE IN REGENCY TIMES.
HEROINE: Then kiss me, you Regency fool!

*He does, and it is totally hot*

THE END.

ME: RAVENSCAR.