All of these have come up many times, but I am paraphrasing the examples:
- Sex is an inappropriate subject for young adult fiction.
- Sex without love is an inappropriate subject for young adult fiction.
- Sex without marriage is an inappropriate subject for young adult fiction.
- Sex between people who do not comprise one cisgendered man and one cisgendered woman is an inappropriate subject for young adult fiction.
- Sometimes a female character will dress in revealing clothing and that makes her a slut.
- Sometimes a character will be called a slut, but this is only appropriate if she has slept with more than [arbitrary number] of people.
- Sometimes a male character will be called a slut, which means it is okay to call the female characters sluts.
- If an unpleasant girl who dresses in attractive clothing makes a move on the main character's love interest and is later sexually assaulted, she deserves what she gets for being such a slut.
Which I think is inevitably revealing of the following totally bullshit real world attitudes:
- Teenagers should not have sex.
- Teenagers should not have sex unless they are in love.
- Teenagers should not have sex unless they are married.
- Teenagers should not have sex in any combination other than one cisgendered boy and one cisgendered girl.
- It is okay to call a girl who dresses in revealing clothing a slut.
- It is not okay to shame girls for having sex, unless they sleep with more than [arbitrary number] of people in which case it is okay to call them sluts.
- It is okay to call girls who sleep with a lot of people sluts if you also call boys who sleep with a lot of people sluts.
- If an unpleasant girl who dresses in attractive clothing and makes a move on someone else's love interest is sexually assaulted, she deserves what she gets and it's okay to call her a slut.
Internets, I have a really limited tolerance for bullshit.
This is what I think of teenagers and sex:
They should have it, whenever they want to, with whomever they want to, in whatever numbers they want to. Or not!
Adults have an obligation to teenagers to make sure they know what sex is, how it works, what might go wrong, and what might go right. Adults have an obligation to make sex as safe as possible for teenagers, and that involves free contraception and healthcare with an expectation of confidentiality. None of this stuff about teenagers having to get permission from their parents to buy contraception or acquire an abortion. That is bullshit! It is often helpful for teenagers to discuss sex and its possible consequences with their parents but it should not be mandatory.
Teenagers have an obligation to ensure that if they are having sex, it is consensually, and as safely as possible, with full awareness of the possible consequences. That includes paying attention to the laws of their area regarding legal ages of consent. Teenagers have an obligation to listen to their partner(s). They have an obligation to talk to their partner(s), as honestly and with as much disclosure as possible.
As a general rule, if you're not mature enough to handle discussing contraception and expectations about sex with a potential partner, you might not be mature enough to have sex.
But you might have it anyway. And that's okay.
What is not okay is shaming anyone else for having sex - or for not having sex. It is not okay to shame anyone, directly or indirectly, for having sex in combinations that are not one cisgendered boy and one cisgendered girl. It is not okay to call anyone a slut under any circumstances, no matter what they wear, who they make a move on, or how many people they have sex with. Having no sex with anyone at any point in your life is fine. Having consensual sex with one person for the rest of your life is fine. Having consensual sex with four people at the same time is fine. Having consensual sex with 103 people individually is fine.
Calling someone a slut (or, indeed, a prude) indicates that you think that they should feel ashamed for their consensual sexual behaviour, and that is not fine.
And if someone sexually assaults somebody, it is not the fault of the person who was assaulted. Ever. No matter what they are wearing, where they are walking, what they have been drinking, or who they have previously had sex with. Never, not ever, no buts, ifs or maybes, never their fault.
(I had sex for the first time as a teenager. It was consensual, discussed beforehand, slightly uncomfortable, and mostly awesome.)
This is what I think of sex and young adult fiction:
Some teenagers have sex, some do not. Some grow up informed and in a position to make good decisions, some do not. Some make decisions about when it is appropriate for them to have sex. Some change their minds. Some have decisions made for them about when it is appropriate to have sex; sometimes they are okay with that and sometimes they are really not. Some of them - far too many of them, where "far too many" is any number more than "zero" - are sexually assaulted, harassed, or shamed.
Young adult fiction writers write for and about teenagers. All of the above are appropriate topics for young adult fiction. Shaming teenagers in fiction written for and about them is totally inappropriate.
Those are my thoughts, internets. I have really had enough bullshit.
ETA: I am going to bed, and then to the beach for Easter weekend - I will screen comments and unscreen them whenever I get a chance to read.
ETA 2: Everything unscreened: comment at will. If you're new here, please read the userinfo and note The Rule.
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Comments
I read a post lately on a blog that claimed to be Feminist in which it was stated that it's okay to call a girl a slut so long as you apply the same standard to men. I nearly swallowed my tongue. Why does everyone and their Great Aunt Jezzabelle think other people's sex lives are their business, and why is it okay to be cruel, judgemental and bigoted so long as you do it to everyone? This is not the kind of equality we want! The rules regarding sex should be as follows:
1. Use a condom unless you're trying for kids/have been recently blood tested and have agreed to be monogamous.
The end.
I'm not including the rules about no meaning no here because rape and sexual assault do not actually count as, or have much to do with, sex (in my brain, anyway).
*applauds*
:D
- Lisa
*slinks back into lurkdom*
Otherwise known as, GREAT POST, CO-SIGNED.
Here's the #1 problem I see with your statement.
You list a bunch of things that you think teens should be allowed to do, and how we should all shut up, let it happen, and get over it. Then you make another list of parameters where sex should be allowed. This is what I don't understand.
Why do you get to say teens should be able to have sex with whomever, whenever, but then say they have to be safe, they have to be informed, they have to be educated, that they have to listen to their partners. Yes, I agree, these are all responsible, moral things to do. But they are not laws, any more than me saying teens should have monogamous relationships when and only when they are old enough to handle the responsibility of the consequences when things go wrong is. Those are your moral/ethical beliefs, just the same as I have my moral/ethical beliefs. So, why do you get to draw the line, and I don't?
I won't go into my own beliefs on this. I actually wrote a lengthy post on it a few weeks ago. But here's the problem. I had over 100 comments on my post, mostly agreeing with what I had to say, and I'm sure you'll have many more comments, agreeing with what you say. But there's never any crossover. I'd love to actually have a chat where people really feel comfortable speaking their minds, but in a kind way. Wonder if that will ever happen. :D
Thanks for the discussion!
Why do I get to say my opinion?
For the same reason that you get to say that you think teenagers should have strictly monogamous relationships at a point you think is okay for them.
These are our thoughts! I think mine are right and yours are wrong. You think yours are right and mine are wrong. This is how discussion, and also disagreement, work.
Edited at 2011-04-21 04:10 pm (UTC)
Thank!
When adults start waxing poetic about sex being this beautiful union between man and wife, they just start pouring their credibility down the garbage disposal and flipping the switch. EVERY OTHER OUTLET IN THE WORLD IS SAYING EXACTLY THE OPPOSITE!
Let's tell teenagers the truth. Sex is really fun, but probably not the first few times you do it. Lots of bad things can come out of it, but quite a lot of them are preventable. Let's sit down and I can tell you all about the ways to prevent the bad and enjoy the good, mmmkay?
Having worked with teenagers for YEARS, not as a writer, but as a counselor, teens do not emotionally (or physically) benefit from sex. They simply can't handle it. They "do it" with this boy or that girl, break up, and a flood of horrible emotions surface, which led to terrible behaviors. That's what the sex ed classes don't tell you. I've seen it time and again. I've seen teens wait until their late teens or early 20's, and believe me, they are better able to handle a sexual relationship.
I don't see why YA particularly needs in-your-face sex to be relevant to teens. I mean, is being romantically involved with a vampire or werewolf relevant? NO! We read to escape, and from my experiences with teen girls, they want ROMANCE, which may or may not include sex.
We live in a culture were everyone wants to talk about EVERYTHING. Nothing is private anymore. While it's good that we talk about sex, cutting, anorexia, teen pregnancy, and other issues, we need to be careful, too. As adults, teens DO look to us for advice, we have to set a good example, whether we want to or not.
Yes, I'm a prude, but I don't think that has anything to do with this discussion. I understand my very conservative views on sex are not in line with what culture generally accepts as relevant, but that doesn't make what I believe any less real.
I suspect that as a counselor, your sample of distressed teens self-selected themselves. Teenagers who have fun, healthy, non-damaging sex probably don't need to talk to a counselor.
I don't believe that YA fiction needs in-your-face sex to be relevant. I also don't believe that in-your-face sex in YA fiction is inappropriate.
I think my example is a very good one.
The section of the Bible dealing with her supposed crimes and atrocities was written by the winners of that particular fight.
Just saying.
Edited at 2011-04-21 05:00 pm (UTC)
It scares me a little to think of how many people believe that offering information about sex to teens == encouraging them to have it.
Because, no. Teenagers are human beings. They have hormones, many - but not all - are interested in the idea of sex and/or having it, and they will make their own decisions. Which may mean having sex, or it may mean choosing to wait. And both of these decisions should be perfectly acceptable. Giving teenagers the information just means they can make smarter decisions. Because if you don't have all the information it's not a fair choice at all.
... besides, when you look at the rates of teenage pregnancy, abortions, and STDs in states/countries with comprehensive sex education vs. abstinence-only, it's pretty clear which method wins.
And that's not even getting into all the terribly problematic slut-shaming that you brought up. So basically... yes.
AMEN!
Thank you, and good night. :) -Tamsin
And if that helps shape someone's life in a good way, then great!
Perpetuating this whole virgin/slut dichotomy strikes me as palpably damaging to a lot of young people. I've noticed that the ones who have the most black and white views about virtue often tend to be the ones who act the most irresponsibly and often dangerously if they do choose or are coerced into "being bad". Almost like there's an expectation that if a girl has bent the spine on her V-card, she's supposed to suddenly act like a Frank Miller stereotype of a fallen woman.
I feel it makes sense to mitigate the dangers and encourage self-responsibility. Maybe some more balanced portrayals of sex and relationships that include sex might actually help young adults to process their feelings and expectations about it safely?