All of these have come up many times, but I am paraphrasing the examples:
- Sex is an inappropriate subject for young adult fiction.
- Sex without love is an inappropriate subject for young adult fiction.
- Sex without marriage is an inappropriate subject for young adult fiction.
- Sex between people who do not comprise one cisgendered man and one cisgendered woman is an inappropriate subject for young adult fiction.
- Sometimes a female character will dress in revealing clothing and that makes her a slut.
- Sometimes a character will be called a slut, but this is only appropriate if she has slept with more than [arbitrary number] of people.
- Sometimes a male character will be called a slut, which means it is okay to call the female characters sluts.
- If an unpleasant girl who dresses in attractive clothing makes a move on the main character's love interest and is later sexually assaulted, she deserves what she gets for being such a slut.
Which I think is inevitably revealing of the following totally bullshit real world attitudes:
- Teenagers should not have sex.
- Teenagers should not have sex unless they are in love.
- Teenagers should not have sex unless they are married.
- Teenagers should not have sex in any combination other than one cisgendered boy and one cisgendered girl.
- It is okay to call a girl who dresses in revealing clothing a slut.
- It is not okay to shame girls for having sex, unless they sleep with more than [arbitrary number] of people in which case it is okay to call them sluts.
- It is okay to call girls who sleep with a lot of people sluts if you also call boys who sleep with a lot of people sluts.
- If an unpleasant girl who dresses in attractive clothing and makes a move on someone else's love interest is sexually assaulted, she deserves what she gets and it's okay to call her a slut.
Internets, I have a really limited tolerance for bullshit.
This is what I think of teenagers and sex:
They should have it, whenever they want to, with whomever they want to, in whatever numbers they want to. Or not!
Adults have an obligation to teenagers to make sure they know what sex is, how it works, what might go wrong, and what might go right. Adults have an obligation to make sex as safe as possible for teenagers, and that involves free contraception and healthcare with an expectation of confidentiality. None of this stuff about teenagers having to get permission from their parents to buy contraception or acquire an abortion. That is bullshit! It is often helpful for teenagers to discuss sex and its possible consequences with their parents but it should not be mandatory.
Teenagers have an obligation to ensure that if they are having sex, it is consensually, and as safely as possible, with full awareness of the possible consequences. That includes paying attention to the laws of their area regarding legal ages of consent. Teenagers have an obligation to listen to their partner(s). They have an obligation to talk to their partner(s), as honestly and with as much disclosure as possible.
As a general rule, if you're not mature enough to handle discussing contraception and expectations about sex with a potential partner, you might not be mature enough to have sex.
But you might have it anyway. And that's okay.
What is not okay is shaming anyone else for having sex - or for not having sex. It is not okay to shame anyone, directly or indirectly, for having sex in combinations that are not one cisgendered boy and one cisgendered girl. It is not okay to call anyone a slut under any circumstances, no matter what they wear, who they make a move on, or how many people they have sex with. Having no sex with anyone at any point in your life is fine. Having consensual sex with one person for the rest of your life is fine. Having consensual sex with four people at the same time is fine. Having consensual sex with 103 people individually is fine.
Calling someone a slut (or, indeed, a prude) indicates that you think that they should feel ashamed for their consensual sexual behaviour, and that is not fine.
And if someone sexually assaults somebody, it is not the fault of the person who was assaulted. Ever. No matter what they are wearing, where they are walking, what they have been drinking, or who they have previously had sex with. Never, not ever, no buts, ifs or maybes, never their fault.
(I had sex for the first time as a teenager. It was consensual, discussed beforehand, slightly uncomfortable, and mostly awesome.)
This is what I think of sex and young adult fiction:
Some teenagers have sex, some do not. Some grow up informed and in a position to make good decisions, some do not. Some make decisions about when it is appropriate for them to have sex. Some change their minds. Some have decisions made for them about when it is appropriate to have sex; sometimes they are okay with that and sometimes they are really not. Some of them - far too many of them, where "far too many" is any number more than "zero" - are sexually assaulted, harassed, or shamed.
Young adult fiction writers write for and about teenagers. All of the above are appropriate topics for young adult fiction. Shaming teenagers in fiction written for and about them is totally inappropriate.
Those are my thoughts, internets. I have really had enough bullshit.
ETA: I am going to bed, and then to the beach for Easter weekend - I will screen comments and unscreen them whenever I get a chance to read.
ETA 2: Everything unscreened: comment at will. If you're new here, please read the userinfo and note The Rule.
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Comments
Then again, if the alternative to "should" is "abstain forever or you are a slut," I'ma go with the should wording. I just recall a sense that teens (at least in the US?) are being told that they ought to be having a lot of sex because That Is What Teens Do, in addition to It Is Terrible To Do That Abstain Forever, and I never really felt comfortable with the assumption that having the sex all over was something expected of me.
Granted, this is in another area of media, so I'm not sure whether it's germane to the discussion you're trying to have. :/
I turn 27 in two days. I am still a "technical" virgin. One big factor in that though was the person who could have changed that - I was never ready to give him that emotional power over me. Because one thing I've learned about myself - sex is emotional.
As much as I want to release my baggage regarding sex, it's hard and I know it has dug itself deep into my subconscious. For me, it will take the right person for that first time.
I don't know if a more honest understanding of sex at a young age would have changed how I see it today or not. I just know I wish I had the benefit of it instead of lofty goals that were unrealistic and unobtainable.
But, I do have a few observations to make about sex from the YA fiction I did read back then, particularly about the way sex itself is portrayed:
1) I don't think I ever read a YA novel where sex wasn't completely mindblowing and amazing and fantasmic and OMGAWESOME. Even if the relationship where the sex took place would probably go down on Facebook as an It's Complicated, the sex was always good. I mean, don't get me wrong: sex *is* awesome. But, first times (and even a few times afterwards) can also be really uncomfortable, awkward and painful. And...I don't remember reading a YA novel where that kind of awkward sexual experience was described.
2) In the YA novels I read, the focus was usually on the actual sex (ie p goes in a v), rather than any other kind of sexual experience. It's always seems to be that the couple starts making out, and then progressing straight to full-on sex. And nothing in between.
3) I don't think I ever read a YA novel where a geeky, slightly-left-of-centre got any action. Usually, in the books I read, the characters that got laid, or had any kind of sexual relationship, were fairly mainstream. Not that there's anything wrong with being mainstream. But, if there is a book where a geeky teen gets a bit of naked time, I'd love to read it!
So yeah, just a few observations from me. Also, I definitely agree that teens need to be informed and educated about sex as much as possible, so that they are able to take care of themselves in sexual situations. I also think that education needs to take the emotional side of things into account as well. Because, as great as sex is, it can be tricky, especially when feelings are not reciprocated by one partner. Not all teens will experience any emotional backlash from sex. But some will. So, I think teens need to be informed so that they can look out for their emotional health, as well as their physical health.
On a more serious note...This is a huge, important topic that needs to be addressed again and again. Our kids need to be taught how to make real life decisions based on the facts. They need to be taught about being kind and confident to themselves and others, about respecting choices and differences without judgement.
Check out this link on TED.com - http://blog.ted.com/2009/12/02/cindy_gal
I asked them many months ago if they were careful with their birth control and they said yes. I didn't know that their birthcontrol was only condoms. I'm kicking myself for that, for not delving a little bit more into their private life. But, bleh. They knew that they could talk to me. No - more, I'm bummed that they didn't talk to me. I didn't talk to my mom about sex, and I know how that feels like.
The plan is that the two couples live together in the House up north while they go to college. I really love this post -- I'm sending out, hey?