All of these have come up many times, but I am paraphrasing the examples:
- Sex is an inappropriate subject for young adult fiction.
- Sex without love is an inappropriate subject for young adult fiction.
- Sex without marriage is an inappropriate subject for young adult fiction.
- Sex between people who do not comprise one cisgendered man and one cisgendered woman is an inappropriate subject for young adult fiction.
- Sometimes a female character will dress in revealing clothing and that makes her a slut.
- Sometimes a character will be called a slut, but this is only appropriate if she has slept with more than [arbitrary number] of people.
- Sometimes a male character will be called a slut, which means it is okay to call the female characters sluts.
- If an unpleasant girl who dresses in attractive clothing makes a move on the main character's love interest and is later sexually assaulted, she deserves what she gets for being such a slut.
Which I think is inevitably revealing of the following totally bullshit real world attitudes:
- Teenagers should not have sex.
- Teenagers should not have sex unless they are in love.
- Teenagers should not have sex unless they are married.
- Teenagers should not have sex in any combination other than one cisgendered boy and one cisgendered girl.
- It is okay to call a girl who dresses in revealing clothing a slut.
- It is not okay to shame girls for having sex, unless they sleep with more than [arbitrary number] of people in which case it is okay to call them sluts.
- It is okay to call girls who sleep with a lot of people sluts if you also call boys who sleep with a lot of people sluts.
- If an unpleasant girl who dresses in attractive clothing and makes a move on someone else's love interest is sexually assaulted, she deserves what she gets and it's okay to call her a slut.
Internets, I have a really limited tolerance for bullshit.
This is what I think of teenagers and sex:
They should have it, whenever they want to, with whomever they want to, in whatever numbers they want to. Or not!
Adults have an obligation to teenagers to make sure they know what sex is, how it works, what might go wrong, and what might go right. Adults have an obligation to make sex as safe as possible for teenagers, and that involves free contraception and healthcare with an expectation of confidentiality. None of this stuff about teenagers having to get permission from their parents to buy contraception or acquire an abortion. That is bullshit! It is often helpful for teenagers to discuss sex and its possible consequences with their parents but it should not be mandatory.
Teenagers have an obligation to ensure that if they are having sex, it is consensually, and as safely as possible, with full awareness of the possible consequences. That includes paying attention to the laws of their area regarding legal ages of consent. Teenagers have an obligation to listen to their partner(s). They have an obligation to talk to their partner(s), as honestly and with as much disclosure as possible.
As a general rule, if you're not mature enough to handle discussing contraception and expectations about sex with a potential partner, you might not be mature enough to have sex.
But you might have it anyway. And that's okay.
What is not okay is shaming anyone else for having sex - or for not having sex. It is not okay to shame anyone, directly or indirectly, for having sex in combinations that are not one cisgendered boy and one cisgendered girl. It is not okay to call anyone a slut under any circumstances, no matter what they wear, who they make a move on, or how many people they have sex with. Having no sex with anyone at any point in your life is fine. Having consensual sex with one person for the rest of your life is fine. Having consensual sex with four people at the same time is fine. Having consensual sex with 103 people individually is fine.
Calling someone a slut (or, indeed, a prude) indicates that you think that they should feel ashamed for their consensual sexual behaviour, and that is not fine.
And if someone sexually assaults somebody, it is not the fault of the person who was assaulted. Ever. No matter what they are wearing, where they are walking, what they have been drinking, or who they have previously had sex with. Never, not ever, no buts, ifs or maybes, never their fault.
(I had sex for the first time as a teenager. It was consensual, discussed beforehand, slightly uncomfortable, and mostly awesome.)
This is what I think of sex and young adult fiction:
Some teenagers have sex, some do not. Some grow up informed and in a position to make good decisions, some do not. Some make decisions about when it is appropriate for them to have sex. Some change their minds. Some have decisions made for them about when it is appropriate to have sex; sometimes they are okay with that and sometimes they are really not. Some of them - far too many of them, where "far too many" is any number more than "zero" - are sexually assaulted, harassed, or shamed.
Young adult fiction writers write for and about teenagers. All of the above are appropriate topics for young adult fiction. Shaming teenagers in fiction written for and about them is totally inappropriate.
Those are my thoughts, internets. I have really had enough bullshit.
ETA: I am going to bed, and then to the beach for Easter weekend - I will screen comments and unscreen them whenever I get a chance to read.
ETA 2: Everything unscreened: comment at will. If you're new here, please read the userinfo and note The Rule.
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karenhealey- chocolate in the fruit bowl
Comments
Having worked with teenagers for YEARS, not as a writer, but as a counselor, teens do not emotionally (or physically) benefit from sex. They simply can't handle it. They "do it" with this boy or that girl, break up, and a flood of horrible emotions surface, which led to terrible behaviors. That's what the sex ed classes don't tell you. I've seen it time and again. I've seen teens wait until their late teens or early 20's, and believe me, they are better able to handle a sexual relationship.
I don't see why YA particularly needs in-your-face sex to be relevant to teens. I mean, is being romantically involved with a vampire or werewolf relevant? NO! We read to escape, and from my experiences with teen girls, they want ROMANCE, which may or may not include sex.
We live in a culture were everyone wants to talk about EVERYTHING. Nothing is private anymore. While it's good that we talk about sex, cutting, anorexia, teen pregnancy, and other issues, we need to be careful, too. As adults, teens DO look to us for advice, we have to set a good example, whether we want to or not.
Yes, I'm a prude, but I don't think that has anything to do with this discussion. I understand my very conservative views on sex are not in line with what culture generally accepts as relevant, but that doesn't make what I believe any less real.
I suspect that as a counselor, your sample of distressed teens self-selected themselves. Teenagers who have fun, healthy, non-damaging sex probably don't need to talk to a counselor.
I don't believe that YA fiction needs in-your-face sex to be relevant. I also don't believe that in-your-face sex in YA fiction is inappropriate.
I think my example is a very good one.
You're over-reaching here, with your implied "all". I could, and did. Loved every minute of it, and never regretted a thing. The very worst naked-body-experience I ever had with anyone as a teenager was with a doctor. That interaction I look back on with a modicum of fear and regret; the sex, no way.
As a twenty-year old girl, I agree very much with you.
To Karen.
While this blog post seems cool for an ideal world, it isnt in a realistic world unfortunately. Teenagers should not be allowed to have sex whenever they like, with whoever they want. Holy Cow! Do you know the kinds of stds's you can contract from even kissing or Oral? How many teenagers use protection with Oral? Writing a post like this will only lead teenage girls down the wrong lane. Something like HPV or even freaking herpes can pose problems for them for the rest of their life.
I'm sorry, I saw this on twitter through Barry Goldbalt, and this isnt a very reasonable post unfortuantely but you seem like you have good intentions so kudos to you.
Not about HPV or herpes causing problems, or the dangers of STDs, but about teenagers not being allowed to have sex when and with whom they want.
You seem like a lovely person, and I hope you make whatever decisions you want for yourself, and do not police the decisions of others.
Instead of teaching them how to play as safely as possibly and educating them on the risks so that they can make informed decisions about whether they want to be involved or not, we should just BAN ALL SPORTS until the participants have reached adulthood, where they, uh, won't get injured, I guess?
Edited at 2011-04-21 07:03 pm (UTC)
I tend to be of the opinion that it would be nicest if teenagers had their first sexual experiences with someone they really cared about in a reciprocal way, but I also think it's very important that nobody looks down on them if they start having sex in a less romantic and committed way. Because the mainstream model is not for everyone. It was certainly what I thought I wanted, but it doesn't reflect my teenage sexuality at all.
I do know one teenage boy (well, he's an adult man now!) who in retrospect might have had sex a little early for his emotional development. I think he was 14. But he was one of those kids who at 15 looked and probably felt 18, and his first sexual relationship was in the context of a loving long-term committed thing with a girl a couple of years older. I used to wonder if the pain and confusion at the end of their relationship had anything to do with how very young they were to be so committed (they were together a couple of years in total). You know, the breakup felt so hard for them. But on the other hand, I know neither of them regretted their first sexual relationship in any way, nor could it have been a nicer "starter" love IMO... and it hurts pretty bad when you're 30 too.